Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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