What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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