Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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