are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
