dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
