So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
