ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
