Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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