Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
