Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
