My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
operation have a gay friend backfired
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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