You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
