Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
not ubering you a puppy
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
