dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
did you just send me my own nude
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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