I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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