i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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