there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
