Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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