Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
