no, he came in my armpit
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
