Im at strip club and am horny
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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