i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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