U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
