Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
