Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
