My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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