No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
