Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
