Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
should my penis look like a turkey
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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