the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
