I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
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But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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