You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
