I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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