I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
