Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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