Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
