Tell her she can't have a vagina
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
