i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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