Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
