She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
