Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Too much gin, very little bucket
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
