the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
