Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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