im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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