new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
