My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
