im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
