Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
