I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
