I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
