Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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