I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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