Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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