Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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